Things Have Been Weird

I have had a strangely uneventful day (that is of course until about 3 hours ago) and I will explain my reasoning.  My typical day is filled with so many errands that I have to run, work that has to be done (where I am employed and at home), calls that have to be rung (the rhymes stop here), and making sure I get the bare necessities (I often forget to eat meals) that I rarely have a day or even a moment to relax and think.  I typically begin thinking and within twenty minutes I am worrying.  Worrying.  About.  Everything.  Today was completely different.

I had a full day to myself.  The weather was absolutely perfect at about 78 degrees with a mild, dry heat that was warm enough to require a loose, billowy shirt with comfortable, light shorts and yet provided you with a gentle breeze to cool the glistening, dewy skin as you rushed about.  I was in absolutely no rush, because I had this annoying little headache all day.  I tried everything from relaxing, to yoga, to calisthenics, to relaxing again, to a few aspirin, some caffeine, to moving about in the outdoors, to tanning, to more caffeine, and then more aspirin, but it stayed with me.  Finally at the end of the night I decided I needed a bath.  We won’t get into the seedy details, but the bath was pretty luxurious with bubbles, a face mask, and cucumber eye coverings.  I went all out.

I started to sing one of my favorite songs: La Vie en Rose sung particularly by Edith Piaf.  I love Edit Piaf, aka the Little Sparrow, and I absolutely love the French version of La Vie en Rose (she sings an English version and, let’s be honest, English translations can ruin a great love song sometimes).  I came to a startling realization as I hummed through the parts I had forgotten and then (boisterously) sang the parts that I knew so well.  I always imagine myself in an attic in Paris, France in another era (because Paris is timeless) that I fancy at the moment when I sing that song and the sun is shining delicately in from the only warped, clouded window in the room.  For some odd reason the place has an over-sized claw foot tub–obviously the only luxury in the tiny place–and even in the tiny little space with only the basic necessities life is perfectly imperfect and imperfectly perfect.  I want to live in that tiny space forever as I lose myself in a fantasy and I think suddenly “isn’t it wonderful to lose yourself now and then?”

"It's nice here...we should stay here."

“It’s nice here…we should stay here.”

I think that is how you know you are still human.  Being completely lost and having to find yourself again.  Making the conscious effort to find yourself can be one of the most surreal and terrible things, but it is one of the most awe-inspiring moments in your life.  Realizing that you are lost is the verse of the song that you’re mumbling and stumbling over, the bridge is the building moment when you begin to remember where you were going, and the chorus is the loud, burst of beautiful energy when you get to the place that you remember so well.  How could you have been lost?  How could you have forgotten the way?  And the entire experience begins anew with the new verse, but perhaps not as bad as the time before.  How do people function without being lost?  Perhaps I am just a dreamer and looking too deeply into the process, but life is like a familiar song that you sing with your whole heart.

Perhaps I am being too romantic.  Or perhaps I am once again thinking too much, but I enjoyed the experience and I feel better for having it.  Go forth and dream, dreamers.

 

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Sonny: “I once dealt with a pair of turkeys on PCP, you’re not on PCP are you?” Shabba Doo: “No, I’m high on life.” Sonny: “Don’t jive me, sister.”

 

2014 Expectations: Because Resolutions are Boring

I really do not make resolutions, because I already do what I want to do and when I feel I need a change I do not wait for anything cosmic to happen.  I simply change it and move onward and upward.  Also, on a super serious note I think high expectations and resolutions can be really unhealthy for certain people, but that aside we can get back to my really sarcastic sense of humor.  I have several categories of expectations for 2014, firstly in movies, secondly in pop culture in general, and thirdly in my own realm of reality.  I have expectations, because my mother instilled standards through permitting me only to watch PBS and pretending other stations did not exist.  I thought life was going to be very PBS-like–full of intelligent people with British accents…I was sorely mistaken when I reached Kindergarten.  

Back to the list.  The list will be separated into three categories and each category will have 5 expectations.

My expectations for 2014 films:

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Here we come, 2014!

1. I expect the world to stop trying to portray superheroes as “realistic”.  There is absolutely no reason for attempting to give people the illusion that an every day person can become a superhero.  I expect watching superhuman people survive explosions that would rip the normal human apart.  That’s the reason I follow fantasy, mythology, and comic books.  Let’s do less “Batman Begins” and more “Avengers”.  Marvel has this down pat, which is why they are so full of win right now.  Also, taking the gods and goddesses out of historical epics or making them “more human” RUINS a film for me.  DC kind of has a monopoly on kick-ass television shows, though, where Marvel has consistently failed.  That being said “The Legend of Hercules” looks promising.  Also, the television show “Almost Human” is ranked as my favorite right now.

2. I expect to see some femme fatales take center stage now, please.  Where are all the women?  Yes, we are considerably more advanced and adept at portraying women with equal footing as men, but THE FILM INDUSTRY HAS PROMISED ME RED SONJA FOR OVER 3 YEARS AND FAILED.  Where is my Red Sonja film?!  Where is Wonder Woman?!  Why can’t the Black Widow have her own film?  The shit show that was “Catwoman” 2004 really made me want to give up hope, but the big wigs totally could waste their money on a revamp of a Spider-Man saga…why not sink some money into a new Catwoman?  I saw “Haywire” and desired a sequel.  I still have a huge girl crush on Gina Carano and if she played Catwoman I would probably die of a massive love stroke.

3. I expect that the world will come to understand that it needs more Ridley Scotts.  “Prometheus” was an awesome movie.  “Gladiator” was an awesome movie.  Every Ridley Scott film I have ever seen (and he has a hand in every inch of the production) is absolutely fabulous.  Some people dislike Scott films, but he brings a grittiness and realism (without too much realism) to his futuristic voyages and historical epics that other directors just cannot comprehend.  We need more people like him…and I don’t care what anyone says, Zack Snyder is a fantastic director.  Snyder has the capability of making his comic book-to-film appear to be the moving pages of a comic and it’s fabulous.

4. I expect the world to stop the obsession with werewolves, vampires, and zombies (lawd please).  Seriously, I am so tired of seeing necrophilia and cryptozoology obsessions on screen at the moment I just cannot stand the genre anymore.  

5. I expect another cult classic.  We need more heists done by people named Honey-Bunny, psychos like Patrick Batemans, personality extension Tyler Durden types, and rampaging Catholic brothers from Boondock Saints…we need cult classic badasses.  Maybe perhaps we can have a femme fatale.  Yes, I am a very circular thinker.

My expectations for pop culture in general:

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2014 should be fun! Not a fail!

1. I expect the people who cannot string together an enticing sentence will no longer be able to publish books.  I am glad these people were given the chance to give their families a better life…but really.  We need more writers like Anne Rice, Stephen R. Lawhead, R. A. Salvatore, Stephen King, and J.K. Rowling.  In fact, we need to interest others in the aforementioned authors and shame them for liking smut novels.  I have to say the only smut novelist that has decent penmanship is Nora Roberts–in fact she has a fabulous writing style.  I am also not a huge Jane Austen fan, but I believe her books should be read.  Her books are solid, have a simplistic and good story line, and they give insight to our past.

2. I expect the world to dazzle us with more bromances and womances.  This world needs more Hiddlebatches, McStewarts, and McBenders.  We also need to popularize female friendships again.  Friendships should be celebrated more often and news about break-up should just be “old news”.  The world needs more friendships and less physical attribute obsession negativity.

3. I expect to see acceptance of all political, social, and cultural minorities.  I love Ellen.  I love Tyler Perry.  I love Oprah.  These people are positive and thought provoking while enticing everyone they touch to do well and be kind.  Spreading love and acceptance in a culture of suspicion and envy takes a lot of courage.

4. I expect to see this emphasis and glamorization of education continue.  Shows like the “Big Bang Theory” have brought forth the idea that being educated is kind of cool…and pretty funny.  However, stereotyping nerds into being completely socially awkward gets on my nerves at times even if it makes for a good laugh.  I used to hide my inner nerd for fear that I would be rejected, but that show has broken down a lot of barriers for big-time nerds.

5. I expect that fashion will never be permitted to fail again…like in the 1990s.  The 1990s (in my opinion) has to be the worst fashion decade in recorded history…and I consider the burlap sacks early humans probably wore in between cave man and civilization as we know it to have been better fashion.  The 1990s were a bunch of confused people who suddenly realized people were living much longer than we ever expected and I have no idea what else.  I find it hard to accept the idea that the 1990s were the most prosperous (financially in the US) and had the worst fashion EVER.  It blows my mind.

My expectations in my own realm of reality:

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You should. I should. We all should just stay awesome.

1. I expect to make an effort to be a kinder human being.  I feel that at the age of 25 I suddenly had this angry, bitter old person developing inside of me telling the kids to get the hell off of my lawn.  Yes, that’s an exaggeration and I am still told by many people that I am “the nicest person” they know, because I drop everything for anyone in trouble.  I just feel that I can improve upon my kindness.

2. I expect to invest.  I really want to invest in something.  Maybe I have the illusion that I will become the next Steve Jobs or something so I will hope someone will invest in me someday, but yes.  I want to invest in something so I can get my foot in the door of investments.

3. I expect to continue travelling and making new friends.  I never want to lose my travel bug that creeps in and wants to be in awe of something from far away lands.  Seeing new places and meeting new people to change my ideas will always be my passion.

4. I expect to contribute to a lasting change in the current cultural climate.  I want to show people that being considerate, helpful, and kind to others cannot only benefit the other person, but also the person contributing the kindness.  I have always had heroes like Mother Theresa and I believe that showing kindness to others will open them to showing more kindness.  I want manners, common courtesy, and etiquette to come back into fashion and I want to be the harbinger of such an event.

5. I expect to continue to grow, learn, and always be humbled by this big, wide, and beautiful world.  I find the world to be a spectacular and awesome place filled with mysteries and boatloads of awesome just waiting to happen.  In fact, the more I learn about the world and about my own existence the more healthy relationships I acquire and therefore the happier I tend to be.  Sometimes I get caught up in materialism, but at least I own my flaws and attempt to change them…or I have no desire to change them and that’s totally fine with me. I just do not want to become a robot tethered to consumerism.

And now for the final show:

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Rico: Anthony Bourdain called…he wants his look back.
Sonny: Who the hell is Anthony Bourdain?
Rico: Don’t worry about that chump, Sonny, we won’t see him for another 20 years or so. It’s the future.
Sonny: Will I get my Spider back in the future?
Rico: No.

Chasing Androids

Hello readers.  I just want to say that I have many science fiction and historical obsessions.  I love everything from gladiators to pirates to cowboys to vampires, ghosts, and werewolves living in the same house pretending to be normal people (I love, love, love the American version of Being Human) to hover boards to the idea of colonizing Mars.  Still, there four things I have always been incredibly obsessed with: the legend of Robin Hood, mythology, comic books, and…(if you could not tell by the title of my last post: I want to be an android lounge singer is a robot cat, a hoverboard, and a cool phone watch by 2055)…androids.  I have always been fascinated by androids and with the new show Almost Human coming out…I am going ballistic with multiple nerdgasms.  I know nothing of the details of the show other than it has Karl Urban as a human working with Michael Ealy as an android.

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Let me guess…the one on the left is a distrusting and egocentric human while the one on the right is the eager and willing android. In the end it’s going to be like White Collar with androids and the android is not a haunted art thief…just a socially marginalized robot being.

What the hell has taken so long for the public to become fascinated by androids as well?  They are always relegated to cult films or secondary characters.  Slowly androids have been creeping into the role of the main character with a great deal of thanks to the most (in my opinion) brilliant director that our generation has ever been blessed with…aka Ridley Scott.  Ridley Scott directed the original Alien, Blade Runner, Gladiator, Kingdom of Heaven, and Prometheus (all of these films are in my “top ten kickass movies” list).  The man has a thing for history and for androids.  I am pretty sure we may be living (vastly different) parallel lives.  Joking.

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I will blow your mind. Or not.

Anyway, after Prometheus and the main character being the “goddamn robot” David, my passion for androids had reignited and I had been itching for more android main characters.  And what about that recent movie Surrogates with Bruce Willis where people remained beautiful in android bodies controlled by their stagnant human bodies so that dead was impossible?  I was enamored by the glittering distopian future of Blade Runner and scared shitless by Alien, but the goddamn robot people were not catching on.  Until now.

Androids are awesome.  Androids look, speak, smell, and react just like a human, but they lack one integral thing…human emotions.  The human condition has been something that human have been absolutely fascinated by for centuries.  I will not get into the gory details, but human beings have been writing, experimenting, and studying our own behaviors since the dawn of time.  Why are humans the only sentient creatures that we currently know of upon the planet?  Even with seven BILLION of us on the planet, is it not a bit lonely to have the same exact DNA coursing through everyone’s veins?  Isn’t it so mundane to think we’re all that we have?  People coming from a family of one child often express to me (one of five children) how they wish they could have had a sibling.  Those with siblings often express the want for being an only child, the want to be left alone, and the desire to be the only one receiving their parents undivided attention.  We always want what we cannot have, which is something we have in common with the androids of contemporary myth.  I say myth loosely, because we’re coming up to a point that we will create something “in our own image” that is just different enough to say “haha!  We’re not the only ones who can make mistakes now!  These robot people can, too!”

My favorite part of the entire android idea is the juxtaposition between androids and humans.  Androids and humans are virtually impossible to discern from a living, breathing human (of course they’re played by humans, but bear with me) in the science fiction world.  In fact, androids often strive to keep a low profile, but androids also yearn for their “makers” approval, love, and trust.  Androids also yearn for what every human wants to rid themselves of: emotions.  You want to erase that painful memory of a break-up?  You want that pang of guilt gone removed when you lie to your parents, friends, family, or significant others and get away with it?  You want to find out whether it really was better to have “loved and lost” or to have “never loved at all”?  Androids have absolutely no sense of that.  Androids crave that.

Androids are also terrifying due to their lack of emotions.  In The Animatrix and movies like The Terminator, we are shown that androids are pretty damn vengeful whether intentional or not.  In one of the shorts in The Animatrix we see that The Matrix kind of came about, because humans brutalized and marginalized androids.  So what did those androids do?  They overtook and condemned their makers to a virtual prison.  I mean, just look what David did in Prometheus.  David pretty much gave that snotty archaeologist guy (and seriously…why do they have to have the token racist white guy in every movie?…never mind, everyone playing a part is an over-dramatic stereotype…disregard that musing) the kiss of death, because the guy was a complete asshole.  David did not go after the ruthless captain, because she had power over him and she was his and his “father’s” ticket home.  The archaeologist guy was just shooting off of his mouth and was no more powerful than the rest of the hired hands.  What do androids do with a douchebag archaeologist?  Make them into a damn sacrifice.  Androids pretty much rid the world of useless people and that’s quite frightening, too.  Except androids do horrible acts without a blink.  Program them to be a certain way or do something and they will execute their mission thoroughly and dangerously, but also in a very manipulative way.  Androids are mirrors of the dictators and monsters that human beings so fear, but androids have the excuse of being inhuman and being programmed.  People like Hitler, Stalin, or Ted Bundy do not and that’s why androids are scary.

Yes, I understand there are a host of other things that I could dwell on and be obsessed with…but seriously, who the hell doesn’t want a best friend they designed and know will never betray them or have “hurt feelings”?  Who does not want something human enough to relate to, but robot enough to disregard like the thousands of dead goldfish that get flushed down the toilet each day?  I cried over my Japanese algae eater Saburo, but that’s only because I’m a bumbling sucker and I thoroughly embrace that aspect.  Even my sister Skaggs is obsessed with getting a robot BFF.  She pretty much has her robot BFF planned out so that when it does come up that she can have that android friend she will be thoroughly prepared.  I hope this trend does not die soon, but I also hope that it does not go down the (now tired out) path of vampires, werewolves, and zombies.  I am so done with that genre of humanizing horror that I just cannot handle it right meow.  Okay, maybe I should hope that androids remain in a cave with a cult following?

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Admit it. Androids are the scariest thing ever. David was both the good guy and the bad guy. Who else would willingly experiment on a human and blow their enemy into little black bits for the sake of science with such a creepy-calm and emotionless demeanor while comforting said guy blown into black chunks girlfriend? For being emotionless, androids really know how to hate on you…

Anyway, androids are awesome.  Even if they do end up going all apeshit on us in the long run.

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Sonny: Hey, uh, what are you doing with that shotgun, Tubbs-buddy?
Rico: Getting ready for some damn androids, Crockett! I don’t like the idea of the world being taken over by those chumps!

Aside

I want to be an android lounge singer with a robot cat, a hoverboard, and a cool phone watch by 2055

What is it about our past that it always comes back to haunt us?  Why are so many people focused on hiding or hating so many things in their past that they hold onto those negative feelings and cannot release them?  Why does the past hold some people prisoner and for others it makes them kings or queens?  Welling up negative hindsight gets you nowhere, unless you channel it into ambition or drive, but even then it can cause wreckage if you are not wise about how you deal with your past pains or pleasures.  I have been sought out for advice on things like this time and time again.  I am young compared to others, but I am often seen as “wise” or “knowledgeable” about these issues of self reflection and philosophical ideas.  I have no idea why, because I am just as torn and broken as the rest…I just choose to use my past wisely and I allow myself to let it go.

At one time I was so caught up in all the things I haven’t done and that I had lost that I was not dwelling in the present and not living for a better future.  I was in a dark place filled with many dark people and no direction.  I thought I was a failure with nothing to offer.  I had dipped to my lowest point, my highest weight, and I was stuck.  For the first time in my life I had been stuck.

When I was younger I had a very solid identity.  I was ruthlessly loyal to my friends and family; I took pride in caring for my ailing father; and I knew exactly where I was going in life, but then everything came to a screeching halt.  I felt like my life was a cup of sand pouring out of my hands, through my fingers, careening onto the ground and being swept away by the wind.  The harder I tried to grasp that sand the faster it flowed out.  What had made turn from the happy go lucky fun girl that was not afraid to challenge authority nor stand up for what was right into a miserable ball of angry who now regretted her own existence?  Life.  A series of major failures and crashes that I did not see coming.  I believe in everything misleading I was told.  I would be great.  I was special.  I was wonderful.  I would rule the world.  And everyone should share.  These are all myths–myths that I still sometimes want to believe in–and when I began to see the truth and reality of life I could handle it.  I dug my own pit of helplessness and hid in it just to spite everyone and that included myself.

I am not saying that life is perfect nor am I saying that it’s a dark, dank world where a bunch of sedated goons walk around all day, but we would not experience pleasure without pain; joy without remorse; love without hate.  Life is wonderful even in it’s darkest moments.

So what spurred all of this insight?  A few things, but primarily this: the only thing I dislike seeing in life are people in pain who refuse to see joy.  These are people who are afraid of who they are and reject themselves.  These are negative people that I really despise trying to help, because there is really no help.  It’s like a drug addict or a vampire, but these people feed off of negativity and their misery loves company.  You cannot bring the light to them, because they won’t look at it no matter how many times you tell them to.  The only difference I had from the aforementioned people is that I wanted so badly to be happy again.  I wanted so badly to be out of that pain and I decided to listen.  I mean really listen.

So I have provided 5 things for my readers to ponder:

NotSpecial

None of us are special. There’s 7 billion people out there, what the hell makes you think you’re special? We’re individuals and unique, but certainly not “special” or “chosen”. Be prepared for some tough love, kids.

1.  Remember that person you were that you did not like and reinvented?  Well, you’re shit out of luck, because they’re still there and the reason you are the way you are.

Whether your life is happy and you are hiding the skeleton or two ton elephant away or you are miserable and wish you could be someone or somewhere else, this is completely true.  I know a lot of people who have thought losing weight would make them so happy and change their lives…but losing weight is not the whole thing.  You know what helps?  Exercise, a good diet of balanced foods, good friends, and a healthy attitude.  Believing that losing the equivalent of another physical  person will suddenly transform you into a new person metaphysically is ridiculous.  For example, after I had decided to get my shamble of a life together I decided “hey, I’m going to lose weight”.  I had some fears about losing weight, however.  I had seen people lose weight and lose control–become alcoholics, anorexic, etc.  I did not want to lose control.  I lost 150 lbs, yay for me, right?!  I seriously did not give a shit about how much I lost.  I was so happy from exercising, eating correctly, ENJOYING my food, enjoying my life, and being social that being able to fit in smaller clothes was actually just an added bonus.  The added bonus was actually that my clothes were cheaper and easier to find.  Seriously, I looked as professional and as fashionable at 316 lbs as I did at 250 lbs or 200 lbs or 170 lbs.  I had fixed my thought process long before the weight came off.  After dealing with my problems, I really liked me.  I accepted me.  Then I lost the weight and I was like: “yeah…no change, still me.”  Some people with weight issues want to hide their “fat” pictures.  That is so stupid.  Some of my “fat” pictures are with the people I love–in the last years of their life–and I look fabulously happy.  I am not ashamed of myself for any reason.  I had a problem of eating too much and I dealt with it–that’s still me in those pictures.  I still loved people, I still was a good person, and that was the person who made me what I am today.  We all change, but you have to do it for the better.  Have we learned nothing from the movies people?  Everyone who pretends to be someone or something they are not has things blow up in their faces in the movies.  COME ON!  Look at Wall Street!

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Hi. I’m Bud. I fucked everything up and you know what? My dad still loved me and I came to my senses.

2. You know how you want to do all of that stuff, but you can’t?  Bullshit.  You can.  So go do it.

We all have these excuses: “I can’t, because I’m busy” or “I can’t, because I’m poor” or “I can’t, because I’m not strong like you.”  Bullshit.  Grow up.  These are excuses to STAY miserable, because you are comfortable with your misery.  Being comfortable with anything never sat with me well and therefore I move on once I feel “stuck”.  I wanted to Study Abroad, not for too long and not too far.  I did it.  I wanted to go to Cosmetology School and then when I got tired of that I wanted to go back to college.  I did it.  I want to sit around and have cocktails all day with my sister Skaggs?  Fuck it.  I’ll do it.  I want to work my ass off for a paper and fail that paper and then do another paper and get an A+?  Fuck it.  I’ll do it and prove everyone wrong.  I want to skydive?  I’ll do that.  I have a bucket list?  Oh shit, I’ve crossed over 1/2 of the things off.  You know what my secret is?  It leads us to number…

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We all make this mistake. It’s totally okay…after being embarrassed for about 3 weeks or months you’ll get over it and so will that person.

3. You know you were told you can reach for the sky?  Yeah, well you need an airplane and there’s a lot you have to do for the airplane before it takes off.

You have to build that airplane, gas it up, climb the steps one at a time, probably learn to fly, and the list goes on.    Climb the ladder of life ONE RUNG AT A TIME.  You know, so if stuff goes wrong you won’t go ballistic. Sometimes the rungs are broken or you fall back down a bit, but that’s totally okay.  That’s life.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  One whatever at a time.  So what if no one promised you tomorrow–go do stuff and do it right!  Get out of the house and be better than you were yesterday.  Take a break every now and then just to enjoy watching the sky from below and appreciate the wonder of it.  You cannot reach something that you’ve never seen or imagined.

4. You know all those people who got you down and fucked up your life?  Reality check: you let them do it.

I am a perpetually good person who does good things for people, because I like to see a smile on people’s faces.  I can say this, because I am.  I also accept that I am high maintenance with high standards and fairly narcissistic.  I hide nothing.  You know what I used to do?  Get pissed off at people who did not show me the same respect or kindness I had shown them.  You know what I do now?  I really do not care whether my kindness is reciprocated or not.  If you choose to walk away that’s cool, if you want to stick around and buy me a coffee then that’s really cool, too.  You cannot blame other people and what they have done or haven’t done on ruining your entire existence.  You have a choice: let them ruin your life or choose to use that experience to better your life.  Life is full of lessons.  Life is life and nobody knows the true meaning of it, but you know what’s awesome?  When you stop searching relentlessly for a meaning or getting back your abusive soul mate (which soul mates are the BIGGEST crock of shit in the universe so stop believing in them-women are the most notorious for falling prey to this bullshit philosophy.  Your god or gods did not guarantee you a soul mate.  Get over it.) you start to realize the meaning of your own life.  Stop worrying so much about other people and how they feel/act/behave and be selfish for once.  The good selfish.  You know, filled with self reflection and self empowerment.  Guess what else you’ll learn?  You have a choice in life!  You can choose to live in misery.  You can choose to be happy, too.  Yay!  You can do it!

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Sad Hipster Pug: “I am so sad and lonely. My life has no meaning. Why am I so sad and lonely, Shabbo Doo?”
Shabba Doo: “Sad Pug, you are the cutest sad thing ever. And Grumpy cat is the cutest grumpy thing ever, but you guys need to buck up. You’re only sad and lonely because you choose to be. You are so awesome and cute and your owners love the heck out of you! Now go be not-sad and realize all of the good things in your life!”
Sad Hipster Pug: “Yay! I know the reasons now!”

5. You know all those people who have hurt you and haven’t apologized to you?  Well don’t expect an apology from anyone…except for yourself.

I have talked about this before.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive yourself for all the terrible things other people have done to you and you have done to them.  Don’t deny that you have done awful things, we all have–it’s just the level that we perceive as awful is often different or based on differing senses of morality.   Forgive yourself for being weak.  Forgive yourself for being mislead or misjudged or overlooked or cheated on.  Forgive yourself for being too fat or too thin or too anything.  Forgive yourself and if you want to forgive those people too, that’s okay.  If you don’t, that’s your choice.  This whole ‘forgive and forget” stuff is nonsense.  Do what makes you happy.  Forgive yourself for not picking up that shirt at the mall.  For not sticking up for that kid.  For lying to your mom.  For cheating on your ex-whatever.  For spreading that pregnancy rumor about your BFF…or whatever you did or didn’t do.  Stay away from people who constantly try to change your base personality.  Unless someone says: “listen, you’re being very hurtful to myself and others…what’s wrong?” then you know you’re doing life right.  Stop trying to make sense of why people do what they do or why you did or didn’t do what you did or didn’t do.  It will never make sense so move on.  Let it go and move on.  You will be a better person for it.  Be kind to yourself in your head language.  Yes, it’s not just for mental people, we all have that head voice.  Reword your inner voice to be supportive and forgiving.  It actually works.  People will continue to hurt you.  You will continue to hurt people.  Even the ones you love.  You are not the problem and they are not the problem.  Human nature is imperfect and embrace it.  Ups and downs will come, just ride the roller coaster babies. Start managing the chaos and stop trying to control it.

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You know that drug on Limitless that made Brad Cooper go from zero to hero and then get chased by thugs? Well you have that awesome inside of you. All you have to do is realize it. And you won’t have to face down thugs either.

What it all boils down to is this: happiness is a choice.  So is misery.  You can either be miserable and make others miserable or move on with your life and accept that happiness is NOT perfect.  Happiness is accepting imperfection and striving to be the best that you can be.  Setbacks happen so that we can learn from them.  I still dream in science fiction.  I want to be an android lounge singer with a robotic kitty, a hoverboard, and a cool phone watch.  I still have an odd obsession with Jason Isaacs as Captain James Hook…I mean really odd.  I may be able to accomplish those some day, but until then I’m pretty content with the chaos that I currently manage. Now go forth and be awesome.

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No further comment needed.

So I leave you with my favorite detectives for real this time:

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Sonny: “Moral of the story, Tubbs?”
Rico: “We’re awesome good guys with issues, too. Be cool, babies.”
Sonny: “Damn straight, now let’s go get some drug lords.”
Rico: “CROCKETT!”

The Odyssey: Athena Continually Saves A Grown Man’s Ass

Odysseus is one of my favorite heroes in Greek Mythology.  I love that he is celebrated for his intelligence, creativity, and ingenuity.  Any hardcore nerd can appreciate this celebration of knowledge, but Odysseus’s greatest attribute can sometimes give out on him.  In translations of Homer’s original texts Odysseus is often given the epithet “wily” or “crafty” and he totally fucking is.  Odysseus is the original frat boy with twelve guys hanging around, getting into awesome trouble, being pretty clever about cleaning up your mess, and becoming king.  Not that frat boys become kings, but they have a head start in the business world sometimes.  Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

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Did somebody say adventure? Because I’m all over that shit. Fuck this mundane king stuff.

“Speak, Memory–

Of the cunning hero,

The wanderer, blown off course time and again

After he plundered Troy’s sacred heights.”

Depending on the translation the Odyssey can be a string of unbearably long and arduous descriptions to etymology or it can skip to the juicy parts and be really hilarious.  Odysseus is a pretty cool guy (albeit flawed, because what hero isn’t?) and the book starts with some commotion going on up top in Mount Olympus where Athena is nudging Zeus to get his shit together to help Odysseus out.  The next thing we know we’re seeing Telemachus and Penelope being hounded by a bunch of trashy dudes that are hanging out at their house waiting for Penelope to give up the “grieving widow” bullshit and marry a new guy.  Telemachus goes to visit Menelaus and Helen, who suddenly made up after the destruction of an entire city and a war that had waged for ten damn years, and everybody is exceedingly, condescendingly happy.  Telemachus just wants some relief from the squatters and some advice and the whole time Helen degrades herself as a “bitch” and a traitor, who is so happy that her husband graciously took her back she could weave a damn banner with his face on it the size of Sparta.  This was a very tiring part of the book, because…well…Helen’s life sucks balls.  And I sympathize for her, but we go on.

Skip to the scene where Calypso is kicking Odysseus off of her island against her will.  Calypso gets bothered by Hermes who tells her to break it off, because Odysseus needs to start getting his ass home and being a damn king by the order of Athena and Zeus.  The best line in the book is delivered by Calypso when Hermes is like “just let the poor dude go”, but Calypso kind of likes her boy-toy.  When pressed by Hermes, Calypso is reluctant calling the gods the “most jealous bastards in the universe” and breaks out the double standard argument before she relents.  The most boss line in any Greek epic was delivered by a goddess who understood double standards even in Ancient Greek times.  Awesome.  But, even Calypso doesn’t want to deal with the shitstorn that Zeus and Athena can rain down on her if she doesn’t tell Ody to beat it.

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“I’d really like to have my cake and eat it, too, you sons of bitches. But you know what? I don’t feel like dealing with his shit or yours. Ody was good, but I can find better. Caly OUT.” ~ Calypso

Odysseus gets the boot and then, after a billion pages of description and travel, shit gets heavy.  We start to learn about all of the insanity Odysseus encountered.  After the Trojan War wily ol’ Odysseus decided to piss Poseidon off.  Poseidon responded with a “get lost”, which he thoroughly enjoyed watching.  Every chapter of the book is filled with the battles that happened after the Trojan War all the while Penelope is being quite crafty.  She’s promised the suitors that she’ll give them whatever they want…but she just wants to finish her weaving for goodness sakes!  Let the widow weave!  (Sorry for the bad pun…it was supposed to grieve, but you know weave…bad.)    She’s like “listen, when I’m done with this project I’ll choose, but until then…just keep gorging or whatever, because my son’s too pussy to kick you all out for fear of being beat up.  It’s not his fault.  His father was too busy with war and stuff.”

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“Weave me be, you squatter brutes!”

Okay so let’s get back to Odysseus and away from silliness.  So Odysseus has to deal with Scylla, the biggest and most badass sea monster in Ancient Greece and possibly the origins for the phrase “between a rock and a hard place” before it dissolved into something crude; Polyphemus (he’s kind of a one-eyed bully) and escaping clinging to the belly of sheep (which was an awesome escape); losing all of his crew; washing onto a foreign beach and being adored by women; the death of his beloved dog…which made me sob; and finally dealing with squatters, the fact that his son is a ninny, and taking back control of his kingdom.  In each instance Odysseus has to make a choice…and he has to think wisely…but in each situation he always fucks something up.  This, my friends, lends to the moral of the story, which I will get to later. After escaping a man-eating cyclops and making it out alive, what do you NOT do?  Proclaim to the blinded cyclops who you are, because it’s the awesome thing to do.  Make a mess and write your name ALL OVER the place.

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“Guys! Guys! Before we hightail it out of here on sheep I need some chalk or a damn sharpie, seriously guys, I’m OWNING this stunt.”

And then shit just gets worse.   Next comes the lotus eaters–a bunch of strung-out zombies that just hang out all day.  In the land of the Lotus Eaters everyone just kind of forgets about shit…they even forget to pose questions like ‘wasn’t I supposed to be somewhere?’, in fact they don’t even give a shit.  Then Odysseus kind of checked back into reality and they hightailed it out of there.  The choice: stay high and sedated and blissfully happy or get on with you life, face your challenges with dignity, and do your duty.  Odysseus was right.  Then there is Circe the really nice witch that turned into a sociopath.  You know those people that are just too nice and welcoming and let you eat everything of theirs and whatnot and then they just turn into soul-sucking people who turn you into swine with the flick of their wrist and proposition you for sex?  Well yeah, she’s one of those.  If she had turned out to be a cannibal she would have been the female version of Hannibal.  The choice: should I get it on with her or face being the keeper of my soul and penis for life?  Odysseus had a little help from Hermes, but he totally chose his bros over that witchy woman.

However, the trip to the underworld is my favorite part of the epic.  Odysseus faces the problem of having to delve into his past to move on with his life.  I love this entire scene–it really created a world of art in my head that I wish I could have put down on paper.  Odysseus saw his old friends, some ancestors, and all the while he was desperately searching for some wisdom from the past to move into the future.  That was a fabulous moment in the epic–dark, dreary, vampiric…I will not make fun of this part at all.  Even though Agamemnon shows up and is like “I WAS BETRAYED BY PEOPLE I THOUGHT LOVED MY ABUSE!  DON’T BE BETRAYED!”  Okay…nevermind, I had to.  Moving on to the sirens…

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To the tune of Robin Thicke’s “All Tied Up”: “Sirens, I am all tied up on this boat…come save me…I feel lonely, I feel blue–even though you look like birds, you’ll doooo!!!”
PS: if you need help with knowing the song I referenced, just click the picture.

I still don’t understand this whole part…I mean, yes, I understand it.  I understand why Odysseus had his men tie him to the mast of the boat while they rowed past the sirens and the king is writhing about all tied up and wishing he could get some Robin Thicke sexy action on with those pretty little siren babes.  I guess the choice here is facing your demons head on and conquering them or just rowing about your life with wax stuffed into your ears…if you’re man enough to do it?  I don’t get it, but onward we go.  The next choice is also a bit common sense.  Take for instance the whole Scylla thing where we could get eaten by a sea monster or be thrown mercilessly against rocks by Charybdis, destroying his boat, and killing everyone.  You can maneuver around rocks, I’m sorry, but you can.  Deciding to go near Scylla was stupid–of COURSE it’s certain death.  It has a TON of heads, in fact enough to eat every crew member, except for Odysseus.  Bad choice.  And that’s how he got to Calypso’s sexy home.

Anyway, there’s a moral behind all of this and I don’t know if it’s evading your duties with excuses or…facing challenges, making a decisions (whether good or bad), and dealing with the repercussions without complaint.  I choose to believe the latter.  The story ends with Odysseus finally getting home, his faithful dog dies at his feet…poor Argo…, and his wife takes him back.  Athena pretty much intervenes at all points as much as she can.  Athena is strangely obsessed with Odysseus for no other reason than he’s pretty damn brave, intelligent, and he kind of fucks up now and then, but at least he owns his messes and moves on with his life.  At one point Athena takes the guise of a man and she and Odysseus totally bromance it out.

Nausicaa Vasepainter from Vulci (5th BCE)

This depicts the secret handshake between Athena and Odysseus. Ancient Greek BFFs 4-Evs.

So that’s the end for the epic of Odysseus.  Comments welcome.  Behave yourselves and be kind to one another, please.  Also, I will leave you with a final photo of my favorite detective(s).

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Sonny: “Sister…that ain’t us.”
Rico: “CROCKETT! When did I get turned into Tyne Daly?! I HATE BEIN’ TURNED INTO TYNE DALY!”
Sonny: “Oh brother…here we go.”

Life: Mission Possible

As promised in the previous post I have decided to post some photographs of Boston, my home away from home.  I love Boston and plan to live there one day, because I feel that I belong there.  I love where I am now, but I’ve never felt completely “settled” here or even comfortable.  Boston completes me.  So here are some lovely views of Boston.

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At Boston Harbor. Love this place.

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Crossing through some side streets from the Harbor to get to Newbury Street.

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Past the circular buildings in the aforementioned photograph, we can to this lovely building. It reminded me of Brussels so much I had to capture it on my camera.

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Every other one said “Boston Sewer” and I wanted a cool photograph so I decided this was different enough to love.

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My sister Skaggs and our nephew.

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In Harvard Square looking out from an alley onto the resident Starbucks.

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Harvard Square was an enchanting place and I already miss it. When I live in Boston, I will probably venture into the Square often.

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A steaming tea pot that was hanging outside of a Starbucks. It was super adorable.

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Okay, yes, I had to include a picture of Skaggs, my nephew, and myself. We had a grand old time.

So that should be the end of the Boston photographs.  I have a blog started on Odysseus, but I just haven’t had the stamina to finish.  I will do so soon…I lied the last three times, I know, but it’s totally coming.  I just need to finish it. As always, I leave you with a picture of one of my favorite vice detectives.  Who will it be?  Scroll down!

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Tubbs: “Okay, okay, Crockett. I know I got a bit out of hand in the last post, but it was nothing a little thumbs-up action photo shoot couldn’t solve.”
Sonny: “Tubbs, the next time you decide to fly off the hook…don’t do it until some fat lady starts playing guitar. Are you on the monkey?”
Tubbs: “I AIN’T ON NO MONKEY!”

Life: Challenge Accepted

Hello readers, viewers, trollers, whatnots, and mainly lovelies,

I know I have been absent for most of the summer…I have been doing two things that often occur in the course of our journey to infinity and beyond and those things are learning and living.  I took a billion photographs throughout my adventure and struggles.  What did I learn?  I learned that life is short, there are beautiful moments whether good or bad, and that you can never expect what is around the corner.  What did I live?  I lived out a dream with my best friend and seester (Skaggs) to go to Miami, Florida.  I am 27…but this visit was about 30 years overdue and even though I was super disappointed that I did not meet Sonny Crockett and that Skaggs did not become heavily involved with a certain Rico Tubbs I had the most awesome time of my life.  After we realized we could not run away with fictional characters forever and in between a great deal of stress caused by unforeseen events, we also traveled to Boston, Massachusetts!  Our home away from home!  Below are the pictures I took edited by any software I could get my hands on when in Miami.  Boston and Pittsburgh summer 2013 fun photos will follow at a later date.

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Once you go in…you never want to leave.

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The Palms in South Beach was exquisite and fabulous. We leered at it from across the street on a daily basis.

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The boardwalk was a strange surprise. The only things we knew about Miami was that it 1) was the place where a really kick-ass cop show took place and 2) you could walk out onto the beach from anyway. So imagine our surprise when in the last 30 years someone suddenly decided to throw a boardwalk in the mix. What jive!

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It poured for two of the days we were in Miami, but that did not damper our spirits or our photography frenzy!

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Where we parked…thankfully our car was one of the few that had not been flooded by the leftovers of a tropical storm.

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I had never seen a palm in it’s natural habitat. I was like a 5 year old who was given ice cream for the first time and blew a gasket.

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The famous life guard stations in South Beach.

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Our first night there we came upon this beauty blazing with glory in the twilight hours.

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This neon sign in the H&M perfectly expressed my feelings for Miami.

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More palms geeking.

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We drove right into that SOB with aviator sunglasses blazing.

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There was a whole lotta “vice” involved…just not the kind we were looking for.

So that is the end for the Miami photographs, but I will soon update with Boston photographs!  Ahhhh, Boston.  On our trip back from Miami we ran into this awesome guy, who was a fellow adventurer!  Please visit his site and follow him on Instagram!  You can also follow me on instagram here.  And now I leave you a wonderful vice detective.

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You chumps thought this was going to be a picture of that jive turkey Sonny or his bitch alligator Elvis. Well Rico’s taking over this post and you better believe it!

Beauty in the Beast

Okay, okay, yeah, go ahead and say it…you know.  “Shabba Doo, where is your article mocking Odysseus?!  You have disappointed us thoroughly!”  Well…it’s kind of an academic endeavor and I am really sick of academic endeavors ever since I decided to do a summer camp involving law school prep.  Yeah.  You get it now?  Good.  Now let’s move on to my favorite hobby/distraction from reality: AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHY!  

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This is part of that rust belt series that I did. I love the colors here.

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Another rust belt image. I really wanted to bring the beauty out in this really cool, yet sadly abandoned area.

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A couple in Paris, France zipping about through traffic. Really chic and super sexy.

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I thought this photograph really did a good job at representing the culture of the Cultural District in Pittsburgh, PA. The place is full of life and color in a city filled with business attire and the service sector chic look.

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I regularly frequent the local Belgian restaurant in Pittsburgh called Park Bruges with my sister and our friends. I loved the colors and lack of color with the menu right beside the very Belgian room temperature water that they serve you, haha.

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An array of images from many different parts of Pittsburgh. From Duquesne University to the Court House and finally the Cathedral of Learning.

So that’s it for this edition of Shabba Doo does photography.  Oh wait…

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Seriously, I was super excited about these free danishes. I had to post about them. I apologize about the explicit language.

And of course we end with our (well my) favorite Vice Detective in a bit of a bind:

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Trouble in Miami. Castillo and Rico go head to head while Sonny’s in the back all ‘da fuq?’

To Be or Not to Be Bad: Why the Villains are always so Alluring

All my life I have rarely sympathized or understood the heroes.  Shining paradigms of goodness in a vast world filled with less-than-worthy commoners have never captured my interest.  There have been a few like The Little Mermaid (her search for ‘something more’ always inspired me), Maximus Decimus Meridius (his fortitude and loyalty to his family always struck a chord in my black, cold heart), Odysseus (his hyper intelligence coupled with his utter stupidity at times is such an oxymoron I cannot help but love him), Athena (the most awesome goddess in Ancient Greek Mythology), Gina Carano in “Haywire” (because she’s fucking Gina Carano), and Robin Hood/Maid Marian (their anti-hero/hero status always made my heart flutter) are just a few.  “But why, Shabba Doo,” you ask, “why must you sympathize with the devils?!”  Here’s why: good and evil exist in all of us and we have the power to do good and evil deeds.  Villains went through the same heartbreaking moments as heroes have, but villains had that extra push.  Villains are the extreme and often think they are the heroes when they are actually just fucked up crazy because they snapped.

Here are a few villains (recent and ancient: fact and fiction) that can explain this.  There is no particular order, but we will start with the most recent developments.

Exhibit A: “Star Trek: Into Darkness” strikes fear and sexiness into the heart of all with Kahn.

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“You created me you ignorant, lesser beings. Now you have to fucking deal with me…KAAAHHHNN….”
The Cumber Collective has grown substantially since the birth of B-Batch’s portrayal of Kahn.

This villain, complete with a compelling history and even tears (TEARS?!  Yes!  I’ll allow it!), really made me actually empathize with the villain.  Was it true?  Possibly.  Did it tug at my cold, black heart?  Certainly.  The actor’s portrayal of Kahn, the way he moved in such a mechanically and deliberate way that retained a sense of humanity, was stunning.  The way he delivered a compelling story line and his plan to eradicate all of his enemies in the same cold and calculating tone made me tremble in both reverence and fear.  Kahn was strategic and operated with precision.  What moved me the most was the speech about his “family” while being held upon Kirk’s ship.  I was nearly in tears with him.  Everyone knows the feeling of wanting to protect your family and if you’ve ever lost someone you have loved the thought of losing 72 of your nearest, dearest friends and family members is haunting.  HAUNTING.  One minute you’re having a laugh with your buddies and the next you’re being hunted and cryogenically frozen because you’re genetically beyond everyone else and pose a threat.  He made me feel awful for being a lesser human being.  I liked that.

Exhibit B: “Sherlock Holmes” introduces us to Irene Adler

"The world's greatest detective?  Oh sorry...I kicked his arrogant ass."

“The world’s greatest detective? Oh sorry…I kicked his arrogant ass.”

Referred to by Sherlock as “The Woman”, she was the only person to have slipped by Sherlock.  In other words, she defeated Sherlock at his own game simply due to the fact that she was an intelligent woman.  During the era (late Victorian to Edwardian and so forth) women were viewed then just as the Greeks did thousands of years before them, which was “constitutionally retarded” to quote Aristotle.  “Of course a woman could not possibly conceive of being EVIL,” Watson probably thought, “that takes morality, cunning, wit, and manipulation and women are just untamed horses meant to be bloody broken!”  Not much has changed in the horrid area I live in.

Sherlock never saw the whole thing coming.  Even Moriarty, seen as Sherlock’s “match”, cannot ultimately defeat Sherlock, but Irene did.  In recent incarnations of the Sherlock franchise she has been played by beautiful women and in a very favorable light.  In the series “Sherlock” she could knock anyone’s knickers off, sexually and uncomfortably arouses Sherlock to the point of near explosion, and manages to get one up on him in the end.  In “Elementary” (SPOILER ALERT) she IS Moriarty.  Moriarty is a pretty kick ass villain (even if he didn’t make the list, but neither is Commodus or several others), but paired with being Irene Adler?  That’s some serious damage.

Exhibit C: “Hannibal” brought you by Hannibal Lecter

"Some men just want to watch the world burn.  Me?  I like visciously killing people and serving them to my friends."

“Some men just want to watch the world burn. Me? I like viciously killing people and serving them to my friends.”

I never liked Hannibal Lecter in any form until I started watching this gruesome series.  Hannibal FUCKS with everyone.  Why is he so frightening?  Hannibal is refined, sophisticated, and a professional in the field of psychiatry.  Hannibal is supportive and caring.  Hannibal could be your next door neighbor or your posh friend.  Hannibal is a fucking serial killer who is calling all of the shots and nobody’s catching on to him.  The best scenes are always the ones between he and his psychiatrist played by Gillian Anderson.  The sexual frustration and tension makes the viewer also sexually frustrated and tense.  The pair of them have such a great chemistry you almost want to see Anderson start murdering with him and then they can run off and have murderous cannibal babies.  And live happily ever ever.  My sister Skaggs has an article regarding a break down of Hannibal and why she loves him just click here or on the adorable picture of Hannibal above.

Exhibit D: “Luther” and that psycho redhead Alice

"I ruthlessly murdered my own parents and got away with it.  Suck on that."

“I ruthlessly murdered my own parents and got away with it. Suck on that.”

Alice.  The formidable redhead of the series “Luther”.  Alice quite literally murders her own parents, acts innocent, and gets away with it.  Luther figures her out in the end, but that doesn’t stop Alice from obsessing and terrorizing Luther.  In fact, Alice falls in love with Luther.  And you know what?  Luther even enjoys her company.  Luther, the hero of the story, keeps Alice around, because he knows how useful she is.  Alice knows how to stick the knife in your back, twist it about, pull it back out, and do it all with a smile before skipping away with the bloodied knife in her grasp probably singing a nursery rhyme.  That’s Alice for you.

Exhibit E: “Watchmen” and the kind-of-not-so-heroic-kind-of-sort-of-definitely-villainous Ozymandias.

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“Dear human race: this is going to hurt me more than it is going to hurt you.” And then he destroys NYC…and then he has the balls to mourn for the dead.

Ozymandias makes the most fantastically, aloof, and intelligent villain of them all.  Ozy is pulling all of the strings and he is in cahoots with the only person who has the power to pull off a wildly, crazy, and heinous stunt: Dr. Manhattan.  Ozymandias believes in one thing: Destroy the few to save the many.  Ozymandias has the staring role of God in this 1980’s version of “Sodom and Gomorrah: Nearly 3,000 Years Later”.  Ozymandias is calm and collected–he has mastered the art of villainy.  One question remains: he’s so far removed from humanity and his thought process is so incredibly inhumane…is he even capable of being human anymore?  The answer is: No.  I can sympathize with his guilt, his attempt to aid humanity to rise above their primal instincts, and his want for a better world, but he went about it in the completely wrong way.  Arrogant and (slightly) obnoxious at times, Ozymandias is truly a hero gone very, very wrong.

Exhibit F: “X-Men” Magneto

"I am homo fucking superior.  I am a GOD among insects.  Join me or die.  Even if you don't join me, I'll still save your ass."

“I am homo fucking superior. I am a GOD among insects. Join me or die. Even if you don’t join me, I’ll still save your ass.”

Magneto is the ultimate badass.  Magneto has seen the worst of cruelties after going through the trials of a Nazi Death Camp, being a guinea pig to the Nazi’s crazed bullshit, dealing with the guilt of falling in love with a lesser human, and then losing his best friend because he just couldn’t come to terms with his own superiority to the human race.  Magneto knows his power and he dislikes humans greatly.  Even thought Magneto and Xavier tend to be philosophically at odds most of the time, Magneto always swoops in to save his ass from the horrid human problems.  The only regret Magneto seems to really have are his twins, because apparently in a weak frame of mind he fell for some gypsy lady and ended up getting her pregnant.  Now they just remind him of his “lost decade” and he kind of treats them terribly.  Magneto remains one of my favorite villains, because he believes everything he does is to further his own kind and really just wants to ultimately destroy the human race.

Exhibit G: “The Little Mermaid” and it’s sea witch Ursula

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“Your voice is as good as your soul to me, darling, just hand it over and I can give you what you want…and then I’ll fuck it up for you. And then I’ll have your soul.”

You poor unfortunate souls!  Ursula is the embodiment of the bitterness of a person being continually rejected.  Ursula is sensual in her movement, she’s highly, exotically, and strangely attractive, and she’s beyond charming.  Like an angler, Ursula dangles her feigned pity and understanding to lure her victims in and then gobble them up.  Ursula has one reason for all of this: she basically wants to rule the “Unda-Da-Sea” world.  I always felt that she and Triton had an ancient tryst back in the day and after he was like “Listen, babe, you’re kind of a commoner and I’m kind of arranged to be married so some princess so…I’m terminating our strange relationship now” Ursula went away quietly…but with a plan.  “I’ll get you, Triton!”  Ursula probably bellowed, shaking her fist.  “You will rue the day you rejected this beautiful body, you poor unfortunate soul!”  And then Ursula went and became a sea witch.  And she nearly destroyed Atlantica.  And in the end no one knew it was actually all because of Triton.  The only problem is that Ursula goes INSANE with power.  Absolutely insane.  Positively insane.  And that’s when things literally fall apart.  Ursula gets hit by a boat and BAM she’s done for.

Exhibit H: Caligula

"I love wine.  And eating my unborn babies."

“I love wine. And eating my unborn babies.”

The scariest thing about Caligula?  Caligula, or “little boots” as his name means, was real.  Caligula was born during a fucked up time (Ancient Rome) in a really fucked up family (the Caesars).  Caligula was brought to power and royally fucked up by his cousin Tiberius.  Tiberius killed a good portion of Caligula’s family so the poor guy lived in constant fear of being murdered, raped, or worse at any moment while Tiberius was still alive.  Tiberius even brought Caligula to a secret island where unspeakable things were done to the local boys and girls…and even Caligula.  And when Caligula came to power he was an all right guy, in fact people loved him.  Then, one night Caligula got shit-faced drunk and nearly died.  People mourned Caligula as he lay on his assumed death-bed, but the bitch came back with a vengeance.  One of Caligula’s advisers was grooming a young man to become emperor in Caligula’s absence.  They were both brutally murdered.  When Caligula was bedridden a man proclaimed he would sacrifice himself for Caligula’s life.  When Little Boots woke up he demanded the commoner pay up immediately.  Caligula has numerous affairs with his family, but most notable was his sister Drusilla.  And legend has it in this twisted love-affair he killed her by cutting her open and going all Cronus on her ass by eating their unborn bay-bay.  Legit.  This guy was only stopped by a bunch of people getting together and collectively realizing that an inept emperor (like Claudius) is better than a psychopath.  Then Caligula was brutally murdered and that inept asshole Claudius took over.  The end.

Exhibit I: Morgan Le Fay

"Eat shit and die, Merlin."

“Eat shit and die, Merlin.”

Morgan Le Fay.  Or Morgane Le Faye or whatever, because her name is spelled a billion different ways like every other Arthurian character.  Anyway, Morgan was pretty badass.  Morgan is usually portrayed as a woman who knows she is fated to be evil, but she does nothing to go against her fate and instead plans to enjoy ever damn minute of it.  Morgan will do anything to adhere to her destiny as a badass witch.  Most characters push against the grain and decide that they aren’t going to suffer through what is fated to them (newsflash, they always end up making it worse, did nobody read Oedipus back then?), but Morgan cares little about being something other than who she is.  Morgan will use her bastard inbred  nephew/child (depending on the legend) just to stick it to her half-brother Arthur and that goody-two-shoes Merlin.  In fact, Morgan kind of rubs it in everyone’s faces that she’s beyond awesome when she suddenly shows up to cart Arthur’s dead (not really dead, just…resting) body off to Avalon after the battle with his son (and nephew), Mordred.  Now that’s a slap in the face to Arthur and Merlin and a big ‘fuck you’ to Guinevere, who ran off to be a damn nun.  How on EARTH did the nunnery permit Guinevere to join?  Oh well, Morgan’s awesome.

And that’s the end of my villain’s list for now.  Some people who did not make this list because they may have proved redundant: Mystique from “X-Men”, Joker and Harley from “Batman”, Scar from “The Lion King”, Commodus from “Gladiator” and real-life Ancient Rome, and…there’s plenty more than I cannot think of at the moment.  Oh well, this is the end of my post…I will leave you with my favorite Vice Detective, as usual.  I’m a little sad that Calderone did not make the list, but he’s not as intrepid as the others.

PS: Be prepared for an update on the classic myth of Odysseus.  Or maybe I’ll go all rogue and update Penthesilea or something cool.

"Is this even fucking on?  Hello?!"

“Is this thing even fucking on? Hello?!  GOD DAMN IT ELVIS!  Quit with the pranks!”