I truly respect nature and all of its inhabitants, but there is only one creature that truly makes me scream like a small child and run. That creature is the wasp.
I am thankful to the wasp for the many things in nature it does, for without it the circle of life would be incomplete, but when it enters my domain of safety I feel violated. I feel defenseless against its flying capabilities and sharp, shrewd stinger that targets human flesh without mercy. Today I had to fend off my home from a wasp. Today I begrudgingly defended my home from a winged invader of fury: the wasp.
You do not need an arsenal of weapons to combat this vile, cruel creature of pain, but you do need wit, a melee weapon, and a can of indoor bug spray. These creatures are nimble both in the air and on their spindly little legs and their rage is unmatched. I hesitate to admit it, but I believe that wasps are perfectly sentient and may even have a touch of psychic abilities. Allow me to recount my heroic battle and help you prepare for an invasion in case you may come face to face with one of these wily insects.
I came downstairs, prepared to exercise my little heart out through Gold’s Gym Zumba (I love this workout and sadly have not been able to start, because I felt it was necessary to inform the world about my heroic journey) and I spotted a movement out of the corner of my eye. There, crawling slowly and deliberately along the frigid indoor window was the perpetrator: the wasp. I stopped, my body instantly went cold, and then…it turned it’s tiny, pointed head to stare directly back at me. We evaluated one another for a few seconds before I took a few paces back toward the closet. Seeing my movement, the wasp began to do that weird insecty “clean my face to prepare for the battle” movement. I kept my eyes on the target and grasped my first weapon: the flyswatter. The wasp and I engaged in a sort of dance seeing who would strike the first blow. I crept closer, he crept closer, I crept back, he crept closer, I moved forward, and he fled beneath the bamboo blinds. DRATS! It had been fifteen minutes and I still had not built up the courage to strike and neither had he. I needed a moment to think…I needed to remove myself from the situation to consider my options. I went outside to smoke a cigarette…and BEHOLD! The indoor/outdoor bug spray appeared like a shiny, emerald savior that a goddess had given me for protection. I finished my cigarette, grasped, the can, and rushed back inside to continue the assault. I had the upper hand now–here I come you sleek little bastard! HERE I COME!
Upon returning to the scene the wasp had vanished…so I made my plan. Firstly, I called my mother at work just to make sure the indoor bug spray would kill the beast and not just…piss it off. My mother simply said: “Kill the damn thing and stop bothering me at work!”
Armed now with a renewed confidence, my bug spray, and the melee weapon of choice, I made my glorious move. I sprayed the perimeter of the window…and waited. I sprayed it again…this time the wasp appeared, now between the window glass and the bamboo blinds, fluttering upward in an attempt to escape. I had to give the thing credit–it would be a champ for hide and seek. I reveled in respect for the wasp, sending a silent prayer to mother earth for forgiveness, and continued the attack. I sprayed the SHIT out of that window until the wasp helplessly floundered on the windowsill…my heart was filled with both reverence and pity for the dying creature. Wasps really are a respectable creature, despite how I treated this one and my word choice. What would the world do without wasps? Depend on mosquitoes? Would the earth die? Probably, but this one had made the mistake of crossing the boundaries into MY world. MY home. Out, damn wasp, out I say!
I finally beat the shit out of that wasp just to make it die. And I felt horrible…I felt like I had lowered myself to Achilles and desecrated the noble Hector, but in my heart I knew I had to kill it dead. So that’s the entire story and yes, it took me 30 minutes to kill a wasp, because they terrify me. Now, I don’t go around just killing wasps wantonly, that would be sick and cruel and bad karma would follow. The battle was invigorating, I came out victorious, and I had a valiant and worthy opponent that deserves both glorification and being immortalized via my blog. Thank you, wasp, for proving that I had the ability to overcome my great fear of you and rid my house of you; I shall forever be indebted to you and your ways. Despite how short your life was, you shall live on eternally as part of my legend.
Anyway, I did not enjoy killing the wasp, but it had to be done. I don’t know how to coerce it outside without hurting it or being hurt. The ordeal made for a dramatic blog entry and a lifetime of guilt.